Why was Pavlov's hair so soft?

Because he conditioned it.

Don't throw sodium chloride at people. That's a salt.

This year’s Fibonacci convention is going to be really special. Apparently it’s as big as the last two put together.

Whom does Beyoncé call when she needs her roof repaired?

All the shingle ladies.

Why couldn't the pony song a song?

Because he was a little hoarse.

A single friend of mine asked me what it's like to be married.

I told him, on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.

This courtesy of my 14-year-old daughter.

Why couldn't the thieves get away from the art museum heist?

They didn't have enough gas to make the Van Gogh.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Their middle name.

Most men, if you ask them what their favorite historical empire is, will tell you the Roman. But J.D. Vance's is the Ottoman.

A dung beetle walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

If you see someone stealing AirPods, that makes you an iWitness.

This from my 12-year-old daughter.